the winding road to self

great expectations "What are your expectations?" Carolyn asked me.   I thought about her question, but nothing came to mind.  "I mean...expectations for..." I trailed off hoping she'd jump in to elaborate.   "With your mother.  What do you hope will happen long-term?  Do you want to have a relationship with her?  Or someday meet her?"  I felt overwhelmed and struggled to respond.  "I...don't know.  I guess I haven't thought that far ahead."  I sat with my thoughts for a moment and tried to imagine what it would be like to have a relationship with my birth mother, or what it would be like to meet her.  It felt painful and scary.  "I don't...I don't think I want to have a relationship.  At least not yet.  That feels like too much.  I'm having trouble with that idea," I admitted.   "Well, maybe that's something to think about this week.  Even if you feel like you might not have any expectati...

 the snow globe There are a few moments in my life that seem frozen in time.  Like a beautiful quilt, there are tattered worn-out squares of equal parts joy and sorrow that are pieced together to quietly prove the existence of life and being.  There are other moments, though, that merely seem slow like old films played on projectors at half-speed.  We sit back and watch them with a soft smile, surrounded by friends as the memories flicker in the reflections of our eyes.  We might laugh or even cry, but whatever we feel quickly dissipates when the lights turn on and we ultimately leave feeling something pleasant.  Time well spent.  We take note to retell those moments as good stories later on, but go on with the rest of our day.  Then there are the moments I'm talking about.  The moments where our world suddenly becomes enclosed inside a giant snow globe, and someone has come and shaken the whole damn thing.  Anything that was moving is...

  nature vs. nurture __________________________ "What are you afraid of?" Carolyn asked.  It was only our second session, long before I had taken any real steps in my search.  We were trying to get to the root of my resistance.  Why was it so difficult for me to move forward?  I knew the steps I could take, so why wasn't I taking them?  "I'm afraid that I'll find out my birth mother or someone else in my biological family is a musician," I replied.   This was confusing to me and I didn't understand why it was scary, but it was.   _____________ I can't remember a time when I didn't know how to read music.  I began taking piano lessons at the age of three and one of my earliest memories as a child was humming Carol of the Bells in the back of our van, followed by singing, " G F# G E,"  over and over while staring out the window.  My earliest memories of piano lessons include my piano teacher's red pen and the smell of her pi...